"Dead on arrival at three a.m.
Heaven received the parcel I sent
Embalmed in grandiose poetry
Bloodless, lifeless, and beautifully bound and gagged
Well manicured
The prayer was left...it was not heard
Vainly voiced, unfelt, unheard
This sad routine...lay dead
Dead on arrival at three a.m.
To God such prayers must seem the miracle of modern art
A starving mind strangling a heart that's nearly dry
Whispering barely wishful thoughts
Its lips call prayer..."
So... here's the skinny... I very much dislike having to pray in public... I've always felt that I have to make a big show of it. When people are asked to pray out loud, they transform into Billy Graham and preach a sermon when all they were asked to do was bless the food, which is all well and good... for them.
When I am asked to pray out loud, I am quick with the details and done before God can even bend His head to hear the request. I'm not comfortable praying in front of people and when asked, I stutter, babble and sometimes have to stop and think about what I should say. I don't want to say something stupid in front of other people, let alone God. I want to sound smart and learned... sometimes the genius turn of phrase makes its way to my lips... and I, for a moment revel in my genius... until I realize it is a show and I am a fake.
This past week I was reading The Me I want to Be for my book group, and to my shock and dismay... it was about prayer... the one thing that I feel I am totally not qualified to discuss... and yet, guess who got to lead that discussion... yours truly (oh boy). But as I read a few things became very clear to me (thankfully)...
When I pray by myself... I'm simply having a conversation. Just me and God having a chat... there is no pressure, there is no flustered babbling... it is just the two of us (and now that song is in my head), which is what prayer is really all about. God commands us to pray... He knows what I struggle with, but he wants me to talk to him openly about it. He knows what I'm dealing with, but he wants to hear it from me. The same should be true when I pray out loud in front of people... I am not praying for their ears... but Gods. My petitions need no eloquent speech to make them worthy of the throne room.
We are told to pray in everything. The good, the bad, the temptation... and I know that... but sometimes... just sometimes...
I would rather pretend that God can't see me making the bad decision or saying something that I will regret later, instead of just handing my anger and frustrations over to God... but I am so very good at worrying and fretting over something silly or opening my mouth and eating my foot. I squirrel things away in the deep places of my heart instead of being open and vulnerable before God. When I do that, I find my prayer life becoming stagnant and awkward. When this happens I stop praying. Not because I don't have anything to say... believe me, I always have plenty to say (just ask my husband)... I have let sin fester in my heart and I am embarrassed to admit it. But 1 John 1:9 reminds me that: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Confession is not the only thing that I struggle with...I often find myself preoccupied when I pray.
What I think I should pray about and what I actually pray about are two very different things... and I feel selfish. I feel like God gets sick of hearing me talk about me. Just like the selfish child prays that there toys be broken so no one else can use them... often my motives are selfish. But I often find those are the moments that I am completely real with God... I don't try to hide, I don't try to make it flowery, I just talk... and its messy and vulnerable and mean sometimes... but when I am finished, I feel like I can breathe. We don't have to entertain the gates of heaven with lofty speeches and flowery language... we can simply come to God, as we are... broken, wounded, empty, alone, worried... He is ready to listen.
I must decrease in order for God to increase in my life... His will, not mine be done... that is what I always need to remember.
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