A revelation 20 years in the making

I'm a Dreamer...

I'm a chaser...
I am strong, I am beautiful

I am one of a kind

.

I am priceless...

My thoughts are not the thoughts of the person sitting next to me, and for that I am grateful. I want to be joyful in everything, even when I am not happy. This week marks the last week of the Kite project... and its winding down fast. The high of pursuing a dream has started drifting lazily back to the earth leaving me with the thought "Now What?!"
I didn't finish the goal that I had set for myself, but I am not saddened by this... I am strengthened in the knowledge that I took steps to actually accomplsh it. The past weekend, I got more writing done than I have during entire project.... and I enjoyed myself, which is a big deal...


I've always had an issue with caring too much what someone else thought of me (I've shared in several posts my story and testimony)... until now.
Their opinions shaped my thought process, what I wore, how I did my hair, what I would say.... no more.
There is a song by Britt Nicole that I have fallen in love with and have been listening to it almost non stop for the past few days... the song is called Gold and it is your typical pop song with the catchy hook... the twist is... the lyrics hit home for me... it also reminded me that the only opinion of me that really matters is God's... He is the one who created me to be just the way that I am... why should I change that?
After all, we are created in the image of God... and he doesn't make mistakes.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorite chapters in Psalm... in verse 14 it tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I don't see anything in there that reads... oops, I messed up.
We are

fearfully

and

wonderfully

made.
Have a great week and always remember that you are priceless, we are worth more than gold!

Dead on Arrival....

"Dead on arrival at three a.m.
Heaven received the parcel I sent
Embalmed in grandiose poetry
Bloodless, lifeless, and beautifully bound and gagged
Well manicured

The prayer was left...it was not heard
Vainly voiced, unfelt, unheard
This sad routine...lay dead
Dead on arrival at three a.m.

To God such prayers must seem the miracle of modern art
A starving mind strangling a heart that's nearly dry
Whispering barely wishful thoughts
Its lips call prayer..."


So... here's the skinny... I very much dislike having to pray in public... I've always felt that I have to make a big show of it. When people are asked to pray out loud, they transform into Billy Graham and preach a sermon when all they were asked to do was bless the food, which is all well and good... for them.
When I am asked to pray out loud, I am quick with the details and done before God can even bend His head to hear the request. I'm not comfortable praying in front of people and when asked, I stutter, babble and sometimes have to stop and think about what I should say. I don't want to say something stupid in front of other people, let alone God. I want to sound smart and learned... sometimes the genius turn of phrase makes its way to my lips... and I, for a moment revel in my genius... until I realize it is a show and I am a fake.
This past week I was reading The Me I want to Be for my book group, and to my shock and dismay... it was about prayer... the one thing that I feel I am totally not qualified to discuss... and yet, guess who got to lead that discussion... yours truly (oh boy). But as I read a few things became very clear to me (thankfully)...

When I pray by myself... I'm simply having a conversation. Just me and God having a chat... there is no pressure, there is no flustered babbling... it is just the two of us (and now that song is in my head), which is what prayer is really all about. God commands us to pray... He knows what I struggle with, but he wants me to talk to him openly about it. He knows what I'm dealing with, but he wants to hear it from me. The same should be true when I pray out loud in front of people... I am not praying for their ears... but Gods. My petitions need no eloquent speech to make them worthy of the throne room.
We are told to pray in everything. The good, the bad, the temptation... and I know that... but sometimes... just sometimes...

I would rather pretend that God can't see me making the bad decision or saying something that I will regret later, instead of just handing my anger and frustrations over to God... but I am so very good at worrying and fretting over something silly or opening my mouth and eating my foot. I squirrel things away in the deep places of my heart instead of being open and vulnerable before God. When I do that, I find my prayer life becoming stagnant and awkward. When this happens I stop praying. Not because I don't have anything to say... believe me, I always have plenty to say (just ask my husband)... I have let sin fester in my heart and I am embarrassed to admit it. But 1 John 1:9 reminds me that: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Confession is not the only thing that I struggle with...I often find myself preoccupied when I pray.

What I think I should pray about and what I actually pray about are two very different things... and I feel selfish. I feel like God gets sick of hearing me talk about me. Just like the selfish child prays that there toys be broken so no one else can use them... often my motives are selfish. But I often find those are the moments that I am completely real with God... I don't try to hide, I don't try to make it flowery, I just talk... and its messy and vulnerable and mean sometimes... but when I am finished, I feel like I can breathe. We don't have to entertain the gates of heaven with lofty speeches and flowery language... we can simply come to God, as we are... broken, wounded, empty, alone, worried... He is ready to listen.

I must decrease in order for God to increase in my life... His will, not mine be done... that is what I always need to remember.

Giving Pepe Le Pew the boot...

I'm afraid... my failures sit opposite me and stare me down every time I try to write. I start to sink into the waves of my own self doubt... but I call out for God to save me. Peter had the faith to step out onto the water and go to Jesus... he would have made it too, were it not for the fear that attacked him... Jesus didn't mean for Peter to fail... He was doing great until he started to take in his surroundings, then the fear took hold and he began to sink. Peter became his own worst enemy.

Has this ever happened to you?

God lays something on your heart and, initially, you're psyched to get started. Then as you step out in faith and begin working, you start to notice the things around you, the opinions of others, your past, failures... you lose your focus, and suddenly you're panicking because you've lost focus of God and you start to sink into the sea of self doubt and fear.

The funny thing about our minds is that we can train them, rewire them, if you will... I've been reading The Me I Want to Be with a couple of friends and each week one of us take a chapter... this past week was talking about thoughts, and it really hit home with me... this was the post that I came up with:
There is a skunk infestation somewhere in my inner monologue... I can smell it, everytime I start to write.
And its distracting and its nauseating.... this skunk also brings with it the smell of failure, self doubt and sweaty socks... I think I just described the 49ers locker room after the Super Bowl last night... moving on.
I have good days and bad days... and then the really bad days... smells evoke the struggles, anxieties and failures that I keep stocked in the pantry of my mind. A little something to pull out in case my creativity becomes peckish. Instead of going for something healthy and positive, I go for the junk food... that sweet, overindulgent stuff that leaves you with that nagging feeling of regret and failure afterward.
Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2 reads: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I've never been one to take stock in the book the power of positive thinking... but then, it's sold millions of copies and no one has ever written a book called the stink of failure or the stench of loser-dom... so what do I know...
We've all done it... the classic pick a spot on the wall and zone out moment, whether we just need some down time, or to force the problems of the day out of our minds so we can relax... I find in those moments, my thoughts grow stagnent, like water... gunk begins to form at the bottom and glub to the surface as I try to regain my train of thought. Like Sherlock, I am desperate for work and vitality rather than stagnation. So what should occupy our thoughts? I've always found that Philippians 4:8 is a good reminder: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. When I find myself needing some down time, I grab for my film scores and a good book... usually something that will boost the creativity instead of quell it. Now negativity is another animal altogether... I tend to retreat to the furthest corner of my mind and cower there until the conversation ceases. I let the fear have a foothold and it seems to grow at an alarming rate.
We may not be able to stop the negative thoughts, but we can set our thoughts to let them slide right off us... have you even seen a ducks feathers up close when they are in the water? The water seems to bead up and roll off... the duck may still get wet, but its feathers prevent it from being drenched by the water. Setting our minds will do this for us... we won't be bullet proof, but comments and negativity would not have quite the effect on us.
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.John Milton
Our brains are amazing things... each of the neurons firing in your mind make you the awesome creation that you are. It's facinating to me that the neuron paths will actually thicken and strengthen as we use them... others seem to atrophy because of lack of use... The mind shapes the brain... each thought, each idea, they are all shaping our brains... training the neurons to fire, strengthening them. I love the reminder that when we practive hope, love or joy, our mind is actually rewiring our brains.
Positivity is difficult in a world that wants to continually blugeon us with negative ideas and thoughts of ourselves... with a world of airbrushed models and perfect teeth, how can we do anything but listen... there is a voice telling you that you were created to be who you are in this moment. The flawed, messy, sometimes neurotic neat freak that you are... just more God centered and you-ier...
God doesn't want us to fail... in fact he's our biggest fan. When we step out in faith, we need to remember that regardless of what is going on around us, we cannot fail if we keep our focus on God. Throw off fear and self doubt and confidently walk toward the dreams that God has for you.