A revelation 20 years in the making

I'm a Dreamer...

I'm a chaser...
I am strong, I am beautiful

I am one of a kind

.

I am priceless...

My thoughts are not the thoughts of the person sitting next to me, and for that I am grateful. I want to be joyful in everything, even when I am not happy. This week marks the last week of the Kite project... and its winding down fast. The high of pursuing a dream has started drifting lazily back to the earth leaving me with the thought "Now What?!"
I didn't finish the goal that I had set for myself, but I am not saddened by this... I am strengthened in the knowledge that I took steps to actually accomplsh it. The past weekend, I got more writing done than I have during entire project.... and I enjoyed myself, which is a big deal...


I've always had an issue with caring too much what someone else thought of me (I've shared in several posts my story and testimony)... until now.
Their opinions shaped my thought process, what I wore, how I did my hair, what I would say.... no more.
There is a song by Britt Nicole that I have fallen in love with and have been listening to it almost non stop for the past few days... the song is called Gold and it is your typical pop song with the catchy hook... the twist is... the lyrics hit home for me... it also reminded me that the only opinion of me that really matters is God's... He is the one who created me to be just the way that I am... why should I change that?
After all, we are created in the image of God... and he doesn't make mistakes.
Psalm 139 is one of my favorite chapters in Psalm... in verse 14 it tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. I don't see anything in there that reads... oops, I messed up.
We are

fearfully

and

wonderfully

made.
Have a great week and always remember that you are priceless, we are worth more than gold!

Dead on Arrival....

"Dead on arrival at three a.m.
Heaven received the parcel I sent
Embalmed in grandiose poetry
Bloodless, lifeless, and beautifully bound and gagged
Well manicured

The prayer was left...it was not heard
Vainly voiced, unfelt, unheard
This sad routine...lay dead
Dead on arrival at three a.m.

To God such prayers must seem the miracle of modern art
A starving mind strangling a heart that's nearly dry
Whispering barely wishful thoughts
Its lips call prayer..."


So... here's the skinny... I very much dislike having to pray in public... I've always felt that I have to make a big show of it. When people are asked to pray out loud, they transform into Billy Graham and preach a sermon when all they were asked to do was bless the food, which is all well and good... for them.
When I am asked to pray out loud, I am quick with the details and done before God can even bend His head to hear the request. I'm not comfortable praying in front of people and when asked, I stutter, babble and sometimes have to stop and think about what I should say. I don't want to say something stupid in front of other people, let alone God. I want to sound smart and learned... sometimes the genius turn of phrase makes its way to my lips... and I, for a moment revel in my genius... until I realize it is a show and I am a fake.
This past week I was reading The Me I want to Be for my book group, and to my shock and dismay... it was about prayer... the one thing that I feel I am totally not qualified to discuss... and yet, guess who got to lead that discussion... yours truly (oh boy). But as I read a few things became very clear to me (thankfully)...

When I pray by myself... I'm simply having a conversation. Just me and God having a chat... there is no pressure, there is no flustered babbling... it is just the two of us (and now that song is in my head), which is what prayer is really all about. God commands us to pray... He knows what I struggle with, but he wants me to talk to him openly about it. He knows what I'm dealing with, but he wants to hear it from me. The same should be true when I pray out loud in front of people... I am not praying for their ears... but Gods. My petitions need no eloquent speech to make them worthy of the throne room.
We are told to pray in everything. The good, the bad, the temptation... and I know that... but sometimes... just sometimes...

I would rather pretend that God can't see me making the bad decision or saying something that I will regret later, instead of just handing my anger and frustrations over to God... but I am so very good at worrying and fretting over something silly or opening my mouth and eating my foot. I squirrel things away in the deep places of my heart instead of being open and vulnerable before God. When I do that, I find my prayer life becoming stagnant and awkward. When this happens I stop praying. Not because I don't have anything to say... believe me, I always have plenty to say (just ask my husband)... I have let sin fester in my heart and I am embarrassed to admit it. But 1 John 1:9 reminds me that: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Confession is not the only thing that I struggle with...I often find myself preoccupied when I pray.

What I think I should pray about and what I actually pray about are two very different things... and I feel selfish. I feel like God gets sick of hearing me talk about me. Just like the selfish child prays that there toys be broken so no one else can use them... often my motives are selfish. But I often find those are the moments that I am completely real with God... I don't try to hide, I don't try to make it flowery, I just talk... and its messy and vulnerable and mean sometimes... but when I am finished, I feel like I can breathe. We don't have to entertain the gates of heaven with lofty speeches and flowery language... we can simply come to God, as we are... broken, wounded, empty, alone, worried... He is ready to listen.

I must decrease in order for God to increase in my life... His will, not mine be done... that is what I always need to remember.

Giving Pepe Le Pew the boot...

I'm afraid... my failures sit opposite me and stare me down every time I try to write. I start to sink into the waves of my own self doubt... but I call out for God to save me. Peter had the faith to step out onto the water and go to Jesus... he would have made it too, were it not for the fear that attacked him... Jesus didn't mean for Peter to fail... He was doing great until he started to take in his surroundings, then the fear took hold and he began to sink. Peter became his own worst enemy.

Has this ever happened to you?

God lays something on your heart and, initially, you're psyched to get started. Then as you step out in faith and begin working, you start to notice the things around you, the opinions of others, your past, failures... you lose your focus, and suddenly you're panicking because you've lost focus of God and you start to sink into the sea of self doubt and fear.

The funny thing about our minds is that we can train them, rewire them, if you will... I've been reading The Me I Want to Be with a couple of friends and each week one of us take a chapter... this past week was talking about thoughts, and it really hit home with me... this was the post that I came up with:
There is a skunk infestation somewhere in my inner monologue... I can smell it, everytime I start to write.
And its distracting and its nauseating.... this skunk also brings with it the smell of failure, self doubt and sweaty socks... I think I just described the 49ers locker room after the Super Bowl last night... moving on.
I have good days and bad days... and then the really bad days... smells evoke the struggles, anxieties and failures that I keep stocked in the pantry of my mind. A little something to pull out in case my creativity becomes peckish. Instead of going for something healthy and positive, I go for the junk food... that sweet, overindulgent stuff that leaves you with that nagging feeling of regret and failure afterward.
Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2 reads: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
I've never been one to take stock in the book the power of positive thinking... but then, it's sold millions of copies and no one has ever written a book called the stink of failure or the stench of loser-dom... so what do I know...
We've all done it... the classic pick a spot on the wall and zone out moment, whether we just need some down time, or to force the problems of the day out of our minds so we can relax... I find in those moments, my thoughts grow stagnent, like water... gunk begins to form at the bottom and glub to the surface as I try to regain my train of thought. Like Sherlock, I am desperate for work and vitality rather than stagnation. So what should occupy our thoughts? I've always found that Philippians 4:8 is a good reminder: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. When I find myself needing some down time, I grab for my film scores and a good book... usually something that will boost the creativity instead of quell it. Now negativity is another animal altogether... I tend to retreat to the furthest corner of my mind and cower there until the conversation ceases. I let the fear have a foothold and it seems to grow at an alarming rate.
We may not be able to stop the negative thoughts, but we can set our thoughts to let them slide right off us... have you even seen a ducks feathers up close when they are in the water? The water seems to bead up and roll off... the duck may still get wet, but its feathers prevent it from being drenched by the water. Setting our minds will do this for us... we won't be bullet proof, but comments and negativity would not have quite the effect on us.
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.John Milton
Our brains are amazing things... each of the neurons firing in your mind make you the awesome creation that you are. It's facinating to me that the neuron paths will actually thicken and strengthen as we use them... others seem to atrophy because of lack of use... The mind shapes the brain... each thought, each idea, they are all shaping our brains... training the neurons to fire, strengthening them. I love the reminder that when we practive hope, love or joy, our mind is actually rewiring our brains.
Positivity is difficult in a world that wants to continually blugeon us with negative ideas and thoughts of ourselves... with a world of airbrushed models and perfect teeth, how can we do anything but listen... there is a voice telling you that you were created to be who you are in this moment. The flawed, messy, sometimes neurotic neat freak that you are... just more God centered and you-ier...
God doesn't want us to fail... in fact he's our biggest fan. When we step out in faith, we need to remember that regardless of what is going on around us, we cannot fail if we keep our focus on God. Throw off fear and self doubt and confidently walk toward the dreams that God has for you.

Take stock of the little *blessings* in life

This morning as I sit awaiting the hustle and bustle of the office, the ringing telephone, clicking keys, rustling papers... I am reminded of how often I complain about mornings coming too early... although I am more of a morning person now than I was in college (a steady stream of caffiene helps).
I never take stock of the good things that are in my life... those five minutes of silence before everyone files into work, where it's just me and my thoughts (and sometimes the smell of carpet cleaner)... I take them for granted.
There is an older hymn that reads, "Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your blessings, see what God has done. Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."
As I sat here, enjoying the silence and my breakfast biscuits (I was sad that I had no tea) but I was struck with the number of little blessings I had encountered already before the work day even began... I was alive, I have a job to go to (which lately has been a thorn in my side rather than a blessing)... those sorts of things that remind us that God loves us.
Instead of saying... Oh it's Monday... why are they always so bad? Take stock of what you have, what God has blessed you with... even on the "worst" days, we can always work to find a silver lining.
Have a great day and know you are loved!

Silence is golden... duct tape is silver...

The past few days, I have learned very quickly that silence is sometimes the best answer to eventually awkward situations. Most of the time that I open my mouth, I find that I shove my foot in up to my knee... and that's only to breathe.
I've been learning the lesson of holding my tongue (Slightly less uncomfortable than learning patience)... and what a hard lesson it is... James 3 explores this idea of taming our tongues. One of the illustrations that is used is a bit that is put into a horses mouth.
When I was 8, I owned a Quarter horse named T.C. (Taffy's Cash Bar). He was a gorgeous animal that stood close to 17 hands and towered over me... he was a rather calm horse and I loved him. When it came time to ride him, I would saddle him up... and then came the bridle. Part of the bridle, the bit, goes in the horses mouth. The purpose of this piece of metal is to control the horse... as it is connected to the reins. When the rider pulls the reins to the right, the horse turns right. When they pull left, the horse will turn left... you get the idea.

James 3:3-12 reads: When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

I always find my toes being stepped on when I read this passage... James has this way of spelling everything out, no frills, no fanciful words... just what you need to heard, how you need to hear it. He even provides handy illustrations in case you're stubbornly thick like me sometimes.
I look at it this way... just like horses, we need a bridle to guide our steps, turn us in the right direction and keep us out of trouble... God's spirit is that bridle... we should be seeking his direction, asking Him to guide our steps, our actions and most definitely, our words... the tongue may be a small part of our body... but it can cause the largest problems.
Hope you are having a blessed Monday!


Photo credit: Untitled by: Steven Lilley used under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs license

My God, pop culture and me...

I'm a movie quoter... I admit it... not always apart from the film either. If I've seen the movie enough times, I begin quoting (or singing along with) the film along with the actors. This annoys a lot of people and I have to watch myself if someone has not seen the movie... I don't want to spoil it for them.
I'm also a crier... movies, songs, if it touches me, I can't help but cry sometimes.
I have found that more often than not, pop culture has influenced a blog, a Bible study or parallels to the attributes of God. This is when I sit back and marvel at the God of the Universe.
There are many of the posts on this blog that reference songs, movies or TV shows... and I have a feeling that there will be many more (as I write this, there is a thought on the Lorax percolating in the back of my mind).
For me, this is a inspirational playground... music is a vital part of my day while I am at work... soundtracks are constantly playing while I write and at night, some of the best ideas are presented while I am working with a movie on in the background... a line or scene will pop out at me when I least expect it.
We are all of us unique with different abilities and personalities... it is the very fabric of our world. If we are each different, we each have a role to play in the world... there are researchers, pastors, salesman, writers, artists, singers... each of us has a role that we play in life with passions, goals and dreams... a passion of mine includes pop culture... I love digging around for meaning and truth in movies, music and books... it's who I am... I can't tell you how to complete an algebraic equation and I can't tell you what chemicals to mix to get a certain reaction (unless you want something melted by accident... then I'm your girl). I know my strengths and I know what areas I was not gifted in... and I stick to what I'm good at... pop culture, writing and artsy type things... combine those and you have a pretty fun past time... which I'm praying will one day become my career, if God wills it that is...
Yesterday at church, our pastor started a new sermon series entitled: What are you waiting for? and the question caught me off guard as I am always making excuses for why I'm not really doing anything with my writing like, I'm waiting on God to open the right doors, or my personal favorite... maybe this isn't what God wants me to do... the discouraging words pass through my lips before I have the courage to dispose of them.
On January 2nd of this year, I found myself embarking on the journey of chasing kites. It has opened my eyes to something... I am a lover of movies, music and all things British... I'm an introvert with a big dream of writing and someday getting over my social phobia and becoming a *gulp* speaker (you'd think with a degree in performance that I would love the spotlight... yeah, not so much the case)... there are others out there who share that love and who get me... but, there are also those who don't share my love for Tolkien, Sci-fi, mythbusters and Dr. Who that will not even take a second glance at my writing... but I'm not writing for and of them... my writing is for God, to be used by God...
C.S. Lewis wrote in his God on the Docks: “I believe that any Christian who is qualified to write a good popular book on any science may do much more good by that than by any directly apologetic work. … What we want is not more little books about Christianity, but more little books by Christians on other subjects.”
I have to agree with Lewis on this... there are plenty of great Christian speakers that reach people by the thousands... it is for this reason that I look up to Beth Moore... she not only speaks the truth of God, but she presents it with a down to earth approach. She knows that it is through God that she is reaching all these women for the Kingdom of God... She has a passion for women and she is relatable. We need more Christians like that... willing to approach things a little more unconventionally... make analogies (like Stephen Shumate's Cars and Christianity) that are easy to understand, present the gospel through music or movies... through the writings of Jane Austen or Tolkien... the possibilities are endless. God met us where we were and changed us... why can't we meet people where they are at? It might bring a very different response...
Over the past two weeks, I've discovered that my passion is for God, reaching the lost through unconventional methods and pop culture. As I stand on the edge of what seems to be a very scary height, I am presented with the question... "What are you waiting for?" and my answer is this: I am afraid... but if I let fear be the pull in my life, I will always be living on the sidelines, I will always be frustrated by my lack of movement and direction.
Taking a deep breath, I let the words of I John 4:18 wash over me and I hand my dreams over to God and finally surrender my fear, my frustration and my impatience... *gulp*

If I only had the nerve... taking chances to dream

Taking a risk in the hopes of a favorable outcome...
How often do we take chances? and I'm not talking the gambling with your life, stupid chances... I'm talking deep down, hard core, following your dream chances.
We were made to dream... after all, we were created in the image of the most spectacular dreamer of all... God. I like to think of God as a dreamer with a vivid imagination, after all, He created the world in seven days, he created us, and he created the duckbill platypus for goodness sake!
It's ten days into the Kite Project and I am realizing that I don't take enough risks... and no I won't be jumping out of a plane or swimming with sharks anytime soon (I'm not crazy, well, not that crazy... well, I don't have a death wish, let's put it that way)... I'm just saying that my lack of confidence seems to hold in check the belief in myself that I can dream God-sized dreams.
It's weird how when God wants to get something through my thick skull, he just starts repeating himself (lately it's something akin to a child poking me in my ribs saying Sarah, sarah, sarah, SARAH!!!!)... the twitter feed about God sized dreams, the facebook posts in The Kite Project about dreaming big and the successes so far... and then to top it off, my pastor will be starting a series "What are you waiting for?"... He then wrote this as a hint to what we'll be studying... Do you ever say, "I'm just not sure about God's timing", "I'm waiting on the right door to open", or "Things just don't feel right". This sermon is for you.
Aw shoot... just when I though that I could maybe back off and glide through the next few months... not so much the case. God has some amazing plans for this life, so who am I to question, slack off or give up when God hasn't given up on me. I find that when I make the excuse that God size dreams are impossible... I'm always hit with the verse that with God, all things are possible... and then I'm reminded of this: Our God is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. Ephesians 3:20.
Ok, I hear you God!
There is an episode of Doctor Who where they go to visit Vincent Van Gogh (portrayed by the brilliant Tony Curran), and At the end of the episode, the Doctor takes him to the future where there is a gallery full of him works to show him that his work amounted to something in the world. He takes in the people who have flocked to see his works, and are inspired by his paintings. As Van Gogh listens to the art critic talk about his command of color and the ecstatic beauty of his paintings he took in the wonder and impact of his life on others. And as I sat there bawling over this beautiful scene, and its beautiful allegory to our own lives... Every step, every chance, every dream realized... we are walking toward a time when we can look back and truly know that we did all we could to follow the dreams that God put into our hearts. We may not see the impact on others, but our dreams matter... those chances we take might not land us in the history books... but they do matter and we shouldn't be afraid to take the chances that God puts in front of us.
Time for us to be intentional about our lives! To be cliche... this isn't a dress rehearsal.
Have a blessed day!